Who I am

Who am I?

This is something I’ve really struggled with especially when I broke away from Scientology.

I spent my time trying to blend in, feed and clothe myself, and not be found out as an uneducated impostor. This alone was a full time job. I  discovered Scientology speak was NOT real English.. ..this alone was really difficult.

I also had to stay mute in conversations about literature, politics, history, travel, world events, religion etc…. because I knew if I spoke I would say the wrong thing and expose myself. Lose the few friends I had, even my job.

I hadn’t been raised with an emotional range so I was called “flat” and “dull”…I was raised to never react so people surmised I had a great “poker face” and was always “calm”…inside though,  behind my Scientology confront skills, I was terrified all the time. I drank and smoked to comfort myself.  Two companions that would not judge or abandon me.

I pretended to be normal. People believed me. I didnt tell anyone about my childhood for fear they’ed judge or be frightened of me. I carried the stigma of being raised in Scientology, and also the stigma of abandoning Scientology for a very long time…and they were both a very heavy burden. I was ashamed I wasn’t normal. I was ashamed I wasn’t good enough. I was ashamed I was uneducated. I was ashamed period.

I muddled along this way for years.

Our family picked up the pieces after Scientology and did our best to band together and support my mother and getr her the best care we could find and afford…her condition never resolved……her condition was too far along for recovery, so we just tried to her enjoy her as best we could, keep her safe and show her how much she’s loved and accepted…unconditionally…no matter what… so although its been heartbreaking and tragic, we were reunited and able to spend time together and love one another, so that was something…we realized we have to go on, life isn’t always fair and the cards dealt aren’t always deserved. My mother worked so hard for so long and was so giving and kind to so many…..she did not deserve this end. Such is life.

Over the years my sister who had always had symptoms of depression (we recognize that now) began to struggle with mental illness and ultimately Complex PTSD as well.. ..so was soon diagnosed and treated…and she unlike my mother accepted the care very willingly and it’s helped her immensely.

Unbelievably soon after my uncle was diagnosed and treated as well….and I can say the care was life saving for him. Its so remarkable what the proper care can do to alleviate the suffering and struggles of not only the person but the entire family. Thankfully we no longer struggle with the stigma Scientology indoctrinated us with to hate and fear mental health care…when you need help you get help…that’s it…no shame, no blame, no conspiracy.

It hasn’t been easy navigating all this by any means, but its so much better than it could’ve been. EVERYTHING after Scientology has been SO MUCH better than in Scientology. No exceptions.  People are kind, empathetic, and caring. They are not all evil criminals like we were taught. Psychiatry and the medical industry for sure have their issues but they are not merely a drug pushing lobotomy factory as Scientology warned us. They have been compassionate, life changing and have helped our family immensely. If it weren’t for the kind nurses and doctors that treated my mother she would not be with us since she tried to “end cycle” and “go be with LRH” numerous times over the years…so their life saving efforts have allowed us to have my mother for a while longer…and after so many years without her, I will take every single day I can gratefully.

Decades later out of the blue I had another frightening identity crises after reading the book INSIDE SCIENTOLOGY by Janet Reitman. And again after reading Lawrence Wright’s GOING CLEAR. These books rocked me to the core. The made me question EVERYTHING I’D EVER BELIEVED. I knew I didn’t want to belong to the organization of Scientology or be a Sea Org member….too much abuse…but somehow I’d still believed the fundamentals and philosophy of L Ron Hubbard all these years. So this moment wasn’t like losing my faith, because Id never had any..it was like losing everything Id ever known…and staring over in a sense…AGAIN….everything Id based my decisions on,  all my road maps, every part of my supposed “critical thinking” was reliant on all id been taught during my childhood in Scientology.

I was raw all over again. I had been wrong my whole life? Who was I?…REALLY?  

Growing up in Scientology means my developmental years included chronic Scientology indoctrination since our exposure to the outside world i.e. reality was very limited… making it nearly impossible to know if I ever formed an authentic self or my own REAL identity..so its very hard to know what is me and what is layer upon layer of unconscious Scientology thinking….. this causes me to doubt myself… constantly.

Being neglected at such an early age also caused me to be hyper vigilant and have attachment issues, always analyzing and planning my escape.

Having to blend in in later years caused me to pretend to be what people needed me to be to accept me. I struggle with this daily. Feeling as if I am from another planet and never REALLY feeling that I fit in no matter where I go.

Since we weren’t allowed to develop normal emotions, I’d spent the majority of my life NOT allowing myself to feel joy, grief, or love…and THIS has been the GREATEST gift since leaving (second only to my freedom)…allowing myself to feel compassion, and empathy…. and not feel ashamed of it. Amazing.

Also being able to let go of the idea that I’m responsible for EVERYTHING has been a HUGE relief (although extremely difficult). Illness, loss, tragedies… accepting that some things just happen, and that carrying the burden of shame for things outside my control isn’t productive. Being PERFECT is not human, and NOT practical. Admitting this has been a relief as well. NOT having to control EVERYTHING feels like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.

Who am I NOT? 

I am NOT a degraded being. I am NOT a downstat. I am NOT a freeloader. I am NOT a Suppressive Person or a Potential Trouble Source, or a burden, or an enemy, or a small thetan (spirit), or stupid (though I am uneducated), or weak, or selfish, nor have I become a criminal, a drug addict or a prostitute like they claimed I would… and my mother would NOT have been better off without my sister and I…ALL of these things are FALSE  despite Scientology’s executives filling our heads with all of these claims over and over each time we tried to leave.

These things they told us about ourselves were sheer intimidation and extortion applied to children. And sadly we believed it then and for a very long time. We do NOT believe these things any longer. They are and always were LIES.

I am NOT ashamed, nor do I feel guilty for choosing a path outside of Scientology… for living a life that is good and kind and healthy. The ONLY guilt I feel is that of NOT taking our mother with us when I left…we had no idea what was to become of her, or know that she’d never be the same again. THIS is the biggest regret of my life and it breaks my heart every day knowing we were ROBBED of my mothers loving caring and innocent spirit at the hands of long term malpractice in Scientology.

Scientology double crossed our mother. They promised her in exchange for her money, her time, her loyalty, her devotion, her children, they would help her become the best that she could be, they promised to help her to help herself to attain all her goals, to flourish, and prosper and to achieve mental health.

When she did not achieve ANY of these thing despite her full time devotion for 20 years, and achieving OT VII, and along the way disconnecting from her entire family who were not devoted enough, suffering through 4 failed marriages and leaving 4 fiances for not being devoted enough, and living hand to mouth the entire time, no medical insurance, no retirement, no car insurance but barely enough to eat and clothe herself and keep a roof over her head so EVERY PENNY and EVERY MOMENT could be investing in Scientology, she fell apart, she broke, she became psychotic, she believed SHE was evil, SHE was a FAILURE, SHE was the enemy….and Scientology abandoned her without a second thought..and so did all of her Scientology “friends”. She was left to suffer alone and became homeless, and shoe-less and incoherent.

THIS is how Scientology helps children and families…this is their REAL agenda for mankind. chew them up and spit them out. Nothing more.

 If sharing our story does NOTHING else I hope it serves as a warning that mental health issues need to be treated with actual medical care, before it’s too late. Some at risk and compromised souls cannot handle the pressures cults put upon them, and they simply split apart into a million pieces.

I also hope that something can be done to prevent children from being allowed to become prey once their parents join cults and high control groups.  Children deserve a chance at happiness, and a life that’s balanced and safe, that provides them a chance to play and learn so they they have every possible opportunity to grow up to become smart, happy, healthy adults, and future rulers.

Thank you for taking the time to read his and for doing what you can.